I Want Never Gets:

 Things That I Want That Are In Conflict With One Another:

1. a house + to move to another country
2. Lots of objects + more space
3. A pet + the luxury of staying out all night
4. To make truly useful things + to make art
5. To live at home again + to not be one of those people to live at home again
6. Sordid love affairs + healthy relationships
7. To smoke cigarettes + to avoid the health risks and costs that cigarettes bring with them

Wishful Thinking:

Key Features of My Material Adult Life After I’ve Become Stationary That I Daydream About:
-A small house on a decent chunk of land, preferably somewhere beautiful and grey with hills
-2 sheeps
Because sheep are intrinsically hilarious and I like wool.
-A genial relationship with the mailman
-4 dogs, all rescued
I know that the number of dogs far outweighs the number of sheep, but I don’t care.
-A barn/shed to make nifty objects in
-A birdfeeder

Then I'll be fulfilled, yes?

Urban Soundtrack:

Sounds That Make City Living Worthwhile:

-Cars driving down my street in the rain

-Distant trains

-Shoes walking on pavement

Collections:

Things I Collect:
-National Geographic magazines from before 1960
-Postcards
-Absurd Japanese bowls with cats on them
-Small ceramic birds
-Children's books, especially about science, sports, or warfare
-Bottle caps
-Stamps
-Lists I’ve made
-Small bits of fabric

Fundamentally Suspicious:

Things I’ve Always Mistrusted in Some Fundamental Way:
-Golf
Any sport where one learns etiquette before rules is deeply flawed. Also, it’s not a real sport. Is sweating involved? No. Swearing, panic, and high pressure certainly are, but those also happen to be elements common to some particularly hairy standardized tests, so they don’t help to support the case. Thus, golf is a standardized test (see below). Also, the dress involved in golf. There are two main schools of practice: bad plaid and expensive polo shirts. Anyone who wears plaid as bad as that and a cap with a pom-pom on the top without trying to be ironic must be hiding something. And expensive polo shirts are expensive because of a square centimeter of machine embroidery on the left breast pocket.

-Standardized Testing
Designed by old white men to test young students knowledge of how to think like an old white man. Hardly seems fair.

-Objects that require more than three people to lift them
If it’s that heavy, just leave it where it is. It probably belongs there.

-Batteries
I don’t mistrust them on principal, and I know that the life I enjoy is made possible in large part because of industrialization and small intricate moving parts that are often powered by batteries and generators, but ever since the second grade when we made tiny light bulbs light up by attaching them to a 9 volt, I haven’t been entirely sold. It’s mostly because of the mystery, to my seven year old mind, of where the power came from. When I turn a crank that works a pulley system or whatever, I know exactly where that energy is coming from. When we made that tiny battery circuit, however, the energy to power the bulb seemed to originate mysteriously out of the metal cube. There was no way to see exactly how the light was being powered; it was deceptive and therefore not to be trusted.

-Power tools
Because they have the ability to move very, very fast, get very, very hot, and can cause serious, serious injury to my person.

-People who say “two times” when they could say “twice”
Because twice is obviously a much better word.

-Meringue
In case you don’t know, meringue is egg white that’s been saturated with sugar, whipped to latte consistency, and then dried into a glossy hard substance in an oven. It’s just not natural.

-Synthetic fabrics
Similar to the battery argument, I understand that synthetic fabrics have done lots to enhance the modern world, etc, etc. But because they are imitations of protein or cellulose-based fibers, they still feel like a lie.

Male Professionals:

Professions that Make Men Automatically More Attractive:
-Fighter/jet pilot
-TV presenter -Musician (any kind)
-Explorer/mountain climber
-Deep-sea diver
-Something that requires a formal uniform
-Astronaut
-Actor (film & stage)
-Comedian -Soccer player




Professions that Make Men Automatically Less Attractive:
-Accountant
-Investment banker
-Army grunt
-Fast-food employee
-Telemarketer
-Oil company executive
-Used car salesman